So I sleep in around 12-15 hours a day. Since there are only 24 hours in a day I’m actually only consciously currently living realistically only around 8-12 hours of the day. I moved to Scotland to get out of New York City. Everyone I call and talk to tell me how excited and fun they would think it would be. I didn’t even really think that way when I considered moving her on a spontaneous random whim. I really don’t understand myself. I Just don’t want to wakeup to my reality.
Sometimes I think I am dreadfully depressed. With this thought I really want medically marijuana just to get high and laugh really hard at sitcoms and comedy movies being fuzzy and high. However, I don’t live in California and I really don’t have any great weed hookups anywhere. I’m not even a pothead. I suppose I’d prefer natural high over medications that have a list of side effects just to make you less depressed.
I find myself to level headed to consider myself a depressed person. You see, that is the problem. When you are not either or you are in a constant dilemma with your mood. Sometimes I just want to shout, “Someone help me! Someone hug me! Fuck me! Be my friend and hangout with me!” blah blah blah. I’m sure you have been there. I dread being so lonely and unexcited about my environment that is suppose to be so exciting told to me by everyone that learns of the position I put myself in.
I’ve thought about suicide. I’m a complete ultimate fiasco of a failure by any American success story. I suppose since I was brought up Catholic and all I know of the more spiritual world and reincarnation is that is suicide really worth it? I really don’t want to goto purgatory and be stuck in my current thoughts. I also don’t want to be reincarnated as a mentally challenged, disabled, or bug. No thanks. I want to die being free and maybe just get to chill out for a few centuries with some hot babes that are angels. I thought if I did just end this silly life I’d do it by sky diving. I have a fear of heights, but it would be pretty almost to fly and drop down for a few minutes before I flattened myself like a pancake.
But I must get it together. I must finish my writing, a film or two, continue to trade the stock market, and continue to go mad going after the American dream I’ve been brainwashed so well with growing up watching Saturday morning cartoons. I don’t know it just might be Scotland weather…
October 30, 2011 | Categories: committing suicide, i have a fucked up life, life in review, motivational letters from struggling entrepreneurs, personal crisis, personal life, scotland life, sleeping in because of depression, subconcious thoughts, trading stock options | Tags: committing suicide, dealing with depression, killing yourself, my life is gray, scotland depressing weather, sleeping in more than 12 hours a day, the american dream | 6 Comments