subconcious thoughts

I sleep over 12 hours a day. Is there something wrong with me? Yes.

So I sleep in around 12-15 hours a day. Since there are only 24 hours in a day I’m actually only consciously currently living realistically only around 8-12 hours of the day. I moved to Scotland to get out of New York City. Everyone I call and talk to tell me how excited and fun they would think it would be. I didn’t even really think that way when I considered moving her on a spontaneous random whim. I really don’t understand myself. I Just don’t want to wakeup to my reality.

Sometimes I think I am dreadfully depressed. With this thought I really want medically marijuana just to get high and laugh really hard at sitcoms and comedy movies being fuzzy and high. However, I don’t live in California and I really don’t have any great weed hookups anywhere. I’m not even a pothead. I suppose I’d prefer natural high over medications that have a list of side effects just to make you less depressed.

I find myself to level headed to consider myself a depressed person. You see, that is the problem. When you are not either or you are in a constant dilemma with your mood. Sometimes I just want to shout, “Someone help me! Someone hug me! Fuck me! Be my friend and hangout with me!” blah blah blah. I’m sure you have been there. I dread being so lonely and unexcited about my environment that is suppose to be so exciting told to me by everyone that learns of the position I put myself in.

I’ve thought about suicide. I’m a complete ultimate fiasco of a failure by any American success story. I suppose since I was brought up Catholic and all I know of the more spiritual world and reincarnation is that is suicide really worth it? I really don’t want to goto purgatory and be stuck in my current thoughts. I also don’t want to be reincarnated as a mentally challenged, disabled, or bug. No thanks. I want to die being free and maybe just get to chill out for a few centuries with some hot babes that are angels. I thought if I did just end this silly life I’d do it by sky diving. I have a fear of heights, but it would be pretty almost to fly and drop down for a few minutes before I flattened myself like a pancake.

But I must get it together. I must finish my writing, a film or two, continue to trade the stock market, and continue to go mad going after the American dream I’ve been brainwashed so well with growing up watching Saturday morning cartoons. I don’t know it just might be Scotland weather…


scatter brained to the max, anxiety LOTS, work done? NONE

Well I’m still stuck in San Francisco dry dock with my ship getting worked on.  I thought taking a load of four college classes was a great idea at the time before I left to keep me busy.  Well……..the classes have kept me busy, too busy.  I’m retaking Principles of Accounting and falling miserably behind.  I have such a tremendous time focusing on studying and understanding what I’m reading.  I’d say the bigger problem is all these fantasies running around in my head about starting up a new business and buying a 3rd investment property in Louisville, KY where I plan to move to in August 09′.

I am physically and mentally becoming drained from coming up with multiple scenarios and my thought process in my head runs like this 24/7 nonstop EVEN IN MY SLEEP I’m coming up with scenarios, themes, ex:

“of what I’m going to do, where I’m going to work, where I’m going to live, if I’m going to have time to date, will my friend and I actually play in a band together, will we drive each other nutts, am I going to struggle financially, will I get paid well enough through working a side job, should I join the reserves there, will a business work, where should I locate my business, what type of business should I have, what am I good at, what do I consistently suck at, why can’t I just focus on one thing at a time, am I going to lose weight and feel better, should I take depression pills, what do I have to do to get approved for a bank loan towards my business, will my GPA be so low I won’t be accepted into an MBA program when I’m done with accounting, should I just go to community college, should I just take fun hands on classes, should I buy a foreclosed home, what side of the city is better, is this account a credit or debit, should I give up on my classes, do my teachers even know I’m not even trying, should I listen to music while studying or should I not, wear ear plugs, will have all this work done before the Giants game, will I pass these tests, I feel tired, should I just go to bed, will I have enough time tomorrow to finish my homework, man I love to sing and play guitar, will I be successful in Louisville, will it all happen there finally?”

I wonder why I’m exhausted all the time.  It’s just that life is short, sure you have lots of time, but it just goes so quickly!

Recently on my “to do list” is:

Start a self help site on changing careers because I’m doing just that and it can be pretty complicated and tiring if you don’t know what you are going to do with your life.

Completing my 4 classes successful and not failing them.  I had a 3.4 GPA.  That shit is going down, sadly.  Now I just want to pass these mother fuckers and be out.  Just focus on my upcomming masters classes in psychology and my future classes in carpentry, plumbing, electrical, and culinary arts.  If I am going to Louisville I suppose my plan for an MBA is off so I might as well stop taking preporatory classes for it.

whoah, do you ever have this problem?  -p